Wednesday, February 25, 2009

Sad Day

Today is not sad because anything in particular happened and Ben is fine, with the exception of being upset he needs a spinal tap tomorrow, but I am just blue today.

I was looking up an article on leukemia for a friend and started reading some of the information about relapse and long term side effects from all of the drugs needed to get rid of this terrible disease. I have read all these things in the past and know the facts...but it just hit me like a ton of bricks today. I go day to day focusing on the positive - sometimes because I feel I need to for the sake of Ben and David but most of the time because that is how I truly feel - but today was not one of the those days.

I'm angry and sad and just frankly feel like this all sucks. Ben has been through so much and so has David and it is just such a terrible feeling to feel so helpless and at the mercy of a disease. All I want to do is to protect my children and I feel like I can't do that. This is such a horrible feeling. I have a wonderful and amazing child who has to deal with things no child should ever have to deal with and it just breaks my heart.

I know tomorrow I will wake up and we will get ready for the hospital and we will be our normal goofy selves...but tonight I just want to crawl into a corner and cry myself to sleep.


Aunt Stefanie said...

As I have told you a million times, your and Scott's strength and positivity have blown me away from the start... and, as I have told you a million and four times, there is no question that Ben's amazing attitude and resilience comes from the phenomenal example you set and from the genetic code he got from you.

You have weathered and continue to weather a storm that would have devoured many others, and you still radiate love, warmth, positivity and hope -- even on your hardest days.

Kim said...

My heart goes out to you. I can't imagine how hard this is. Of course you feel angry and helpless, but you have never been frozen into helplessness. So many people love you and your family and are pulling for Ben. If you need a break from being strong, put your burden down and honor your feelings. I don't know a person alive who would blame you for crying or feeling sad. You aren't a machine after all. For what it's worth, I pray all the time for God to see you and Scott through this and to keep Ben and David safe. I'll never understand why Ben has had to deal with this, but he is managing to deal and still keep up with being a kid. That's what you provide for him. Showing him that he has a choice not to be helpless, but to take charge and live his life. Not that leukemia treatment not a huge ordeal, but that it's not who he is.

Dave Kaat said...

Hang in there - we've been there with our own son (Jaymun) and when things looked the bleakest that was when God had some of the best surprises for us.